toddler liquor store visit and other disasters

MJ had a birthday a couple weeks ago.  It was his 39th, so of course I had to welcome him to his 40th year in style.  Yes, your 39th birthday is the start of your 40th year of life.  You're welcome, in case you haven't thought of it that way before.  I pretty much hated my brother for pointing this out to me on my 39th.  He's still jealous that I got a Big Wheel for my 5th birthday and he was too old for his own and too big to ride mine.  Check out this poor quality circa 1978 iphone picture of a picture.  Dude, I rocked that Big Wheel and he has every reason to still be jealous*.

So back to my task at hand.  FOCUS, B, FOCUS!  I needed to do something for MJ's birthday.  For anything artistic, creative, and fun, I turn to Pinterest and its endless idea smorgasbord of awesomeness.  This is how it all went down.

I saw some pretty cool Superman cakes on Pinterest and thought it would be fun to make one for MJ.  I can make a mean pumpkin ginger cupcake or zucchini-carrot muffin, but fondant and fancy shaped cakes are out of my league.  I knew I wasn't going to get:

But I had hopes of at least getting a round very downscaled version of something like:

After gathering and washing miscellaneous mixing bowls, spatulas, and measuring cups from Firecracker's toy stash I was ready to go.  My newly googled decadent chocolate cake recipe called for three 9-inch cake pans, of which I only had one.  This is probably where I should have just stopped.  My next Google search told me that it was fine to use my springform pans instead.  Of course, my springform pans are different diameters, but no big deal.  I'll just cut off the excess...I have seen an episode or 2 of Cake Boss, people.

Okay, on to the cake.  Firecracker was VERY interested now.  I did have HER bowls and whatnot gadgets after all.  "Up.  Up.  Up.  Help.  Ptttttt (Please).  Help.  Up.  Ptttttt."  Her persistence, cuteness, and incessant noise won me over.  I attempted to now measure ingredients with a toddler on my hip helping.  All of my measurements were suddenly -ish, as in 2-ish cups.  Sugar and flour also now coated my counter, floor, and toddler.

With 3 cakes finally in the oven it was time to get the frosting going.  Upon realizing that I had no heavy whipping cream, I contemplated cleaning, dressing, and loading my flour and sugar covered toddler (who was nearing naptime) into the car to drive to the grocery store.  Back to google I go instead, where I learn that I can just whip butter and milk together for a whipping cream substitute.  Awesome.

After 20-minutes of splattering milk on every surface in my kitchen, I resorted to my typical headstrong-I-will-make-this-work baking judgement and started adding powdered sugar to see if it would help thicken things.  I added the recipe's full measured amount of powdered sugar.  Milk was still splattering so I just dumped a bunch more powdered sugar in to see what would happen...because I obviously have more determination and stubbornness than baking smarts.  It was a separated mess of chunkiness if you must know.

The cakes were now done.  My attempts to "cool on wire racks" were met with 2 cakes falling apart.  Whatever.  They will be the bottom layers.  It's all covered in frosting anyway.  Who cares.  The cake tasted awesome though, I must say.

I made peace with my milk and butter losses and found an optional frosting recipe which called for 2 boxes of cream cheese.  I only had 1.  Of course, I only had 1.  I read a comment from the recipe's "most helpful commenter" who varied the recipe and only used 1 box of cream cheese.  Worked for her.  Great.

I made, separated, and colored the frosting red, yellow, and blue.  Then I smashed and shaped together placed the first cake layer on my cake plate.  I frosted it red.  I placed the second cake layer on the red frosting.  Lather. Rinse.  Repeat.  But with yellow frosting.  Lather. Rinse. Repeat with third layer.  I attempted to cut around the stacked cake with a serrated knife to make it look round-ish or at least somewhat nice-ish since the layers were different diameters and basically a complete disaster.  It didn't go so well, but good enough.  It will be covered in frosting, remember?

I added the blue frosting and began to spread it over the top and sides.  It didn't take long to realize that I didn't have enough frosting.  That became the least of my problems when part of mish mashed smashed together cake fell into a lopsided disaster.

Of course, I've been at this too long so I walked away hoping to find it looking better on my return.

Pinterest Fail.

I then considered eating all the evidence.  I'm the one who really likes chocolate cake anyway.  He'd rather just have beer.  Wait a second...

Abandon (not throw out, as we don't even joke about wasting chocolate around here) the cake.  Well, okay, I did throw on some red sprinkles as a little lipstick on my pig if you will.

Back at Pinterest I set my sights on Option B.  It called for 39 beers of which I had 0.  I knew there was no butter/milk or 1 box of cream cheese substitutes so we WOULD have to leave the house for this one.

As I waited for the toddler to wake up, I cleaned the kitchen...counters, cabinets doors, floors, contents of emptied baking cupboard that I thought would be fine on the counter while I baked.  I may have done a quick search for a local cake decorating baking class...because I am stubborn enough to do this again and again.

I then drove to the liquor store.  On a Wednesday afternoon.  With a toddler in tow.  To buy four 12-packs of beer.  I tried to make a bad joke about needing all the beer just to get through the day after Firecracker screamed in the store.  Joke went right over the cashier's head.  I'm guessing they don't get many toddlers in their store midweek mid-afternoon ever.  I also think he thought I was serious.  Parenting Awesomeness 101.  A+.  I've got this.

After collecting random ribbons, toys, and gear leftover from previous parties and setting up a two fault tolerant baby gate system (complete with the evil and terrifying vacuum cleaner) to keep my balloon obsessed mastiffs at bay, I went to work while Firecracker napped again.

Moose trying to figure out how to get to the balloons...

This is what MJ came home to:

"39 Beers for 39 Years"  And is that the disaster cake I see in the background?

Yes, his foot isn't touching.  It took every ounce of patience I had just to get him to hold those f-ing numbers.

MJ, of course, emailed out pictures of both cakes because that is just how we roll around here.

Toddlers in liquor stores and cake shaming extreme.  It doesn't get much better than this.

*My mom still has my Big Wheel and I cannot wait for Firecracker to ride it in the presence of her uncle.