alright, let's do this then

Something happens in my day-to-day life and I write a couple of blog-worthy sentences within the confines of my head.  It's generally some pretty funny shit because let's face it, I am hilarious inside my head.

Hilarious, people!  

A few times I have even sat down to type out a couple of my witty-isms only to find myself hesitating to go on with the rest.  Thoughts change as I figure out what to say next and then just behind the funny I find a few of my old friends making their way to the surface...frustration, sadness, bitterness.  They aren't current feelings, but rather flashbacks or reminders of the places I used to be when I sat down to blog.

I started blogging in January 2008 as we entered into the world of IVF.  We were 2.5 years into our baby-making/failing efforts.  What I thought I was doing then was documenting our process to finally get pregnant, complete with pictures of our babies at 8-cells old.  Of course, that space would then be used to showcase my pregnancy and finally turn into a mommy-ish type blog.

Except it didn't.

That IVF failed.  The other IVFs failed.  There were pregnancies ALL. AROUND. ME.  I fell into a deep depression.  MJ didn't want to adopt.  I considered driving under a big rig.  Our marriage was rocky.  Therapy.  Time.  Wandering aimlessly.  A year later M still didn't want to adopt.  Soul searching.  Mountain climbing.  Cave exploring.  Rappelling off shit.  Collecting mastiffs in our much too small for multiple mastiffs house.  Emerging.  Adopting.  A lot of it is documented.  Some of it stayed in draft form.  Even more is just old thoughts or feelings that appear with different triggers.

Our journey isn't anything special.  The names and doctors and lawyers and outcomes and length of time stuck in turmoil may change, but it is still just another infertility story.  Ours happens to end with a child through domestic adoption...a pretty fantabulously amazing and extremely loud child I might add.

When I left my old blog I had high hopes of leaving so much of the hard stuff behind, and really, I did just that.  I started blogging here and everything felt lighter and livelier and just plain happier.  I think somewhere along the way through those harder years I associated blogging with my place to get out all the ugliness that comes with infertility.  When I didn't feel stuck in that hole of darkness anymore, I simply didn't feel like blogging either.  I'd like to say I knew this is why I stopped blogging all along, but really I have only recently been able to put my finger on it.  Just another of my late-bloomer-isms hard at work.

I still have stuff to say.  Just trying to get into the mode where I sit down at the computer and actually type out a full post.  I used to write most of my blog drafts on the clock at my job.  Shhhh*.

*Ahhh, never mind.  They still got WAY more free hours out of me than I got out of them.  Bastards.  Have I mentioned I don't work there anymore anyway?  Hmmm, right, I should probably do a catch up post sometime.